My Name is Kristen and I'm a Drop Out

Rich has been urging me to come clean and let everyone know that I've dropped out of school. This is hard for me to admit because the words "drop out" seem so negative. Like I'm a big quitter. But, in this case it is true. I have quit school. Before I explain why I have taken such action, let me revisit the reasons we decided to move to Europe in the first place. Our main goal was to experience life in Europe, not as visitors but as residents. The only way I (a U.S. resident) could stay in Europe for more than three months was on a student visa. Rich is still a Danish citizen so he can live anywhere in the European Union without difficulty, but not me! The secondary reason was my desire to return to school and study something new that might give me some different career options besides working in TV and Film. Hence the decision to move to Belgium and attend the Brussels School of International Studies. I was interested in learning more about U.S. foreign policy from outside the country and figured the picture would be clearer from a European perspective. There are lots of international organizations here, like the European Economic Commission, the European Parliament, NATO, and every possible embassy. I thought there would be some good employment options, or at least some interesting internships. Seems logical, right? What I didn't anticipate were the problems I encountered within the school itself: few class choices, unavailable professors, horrible research facilities, no student groups or activities, disorganized administration and an appalling acceptance policy that admitted everyone who applied to the program regardless of qualifications. I also didn't expect to hate political science, political theory, international economy and pretty much everything to do with international relations.

When I go back in the blog archives and read my postings about the first weeks of school, I remember how doubtful I was at the beginning about whether the program was right for me. I only wrote about the things I liked and left out my concerns over the library, the faculty and my own decision to take on a whole new subject area. I kept going to classes and seminars, biting my tongue and keeping quiet. The only class that made sense to me was History of Conflict. Dr. Palo is a fantastic teacher and really made it come alive. But one good class didn't outweigh the despair I felt in the other two. Without realizing what I was doing, almost immediately after the semester began I had begun to look for ways to make it palatable: politics in movies, novels with political or economic themes, international relations in the media, etc. Finally, about six weeks ago it started to dawn on me that I really, really didn't like what I was studying. I began to question the wisdom of spending a year getting an M.A. in International Relations and then continuing on for three more years for the PhD in an area that left me completely cold unless it was sugar-coated in film or literature. Not to mention spending A LOT of money to do it. I stewed on this for about two weeks before I mentioned my feelings to Rich. As soon as I said it out loud, two things happened. The first was a huge feeling of relief. The second was knowing immediately that I needed to quit the program. This was a bit shocking because the sole reason we came to Brussels was so I could study at BSIS. If I quit, what was our motivation for staying? I vacillated back and forth between wanting to quit and talking myself into staying with it. Eventually I began to see the folly in spending such a huge amount of time and money learning things I wasn't interested in pursuing (thanks Mom) and informed the program director that I was leaving.

Once that bridge was burned, I felt so good! My attention and interest turned back to Film Studies and I feel like I'm back where I'm supposed to be. I still want to get a PhD and be a professor, but I have discovered that it has to be in the Film Studies area. Around the same time as my realization, Rich had his own (see the Nov. 30 blog entry below) and now we're both looking for PhD programs in Film Studies. We've agreed that neither of us is ready to return to the U.S., so the school search is focused on England and Scotland. More on this soon...

A whole different road than the one we started out on, but this looks pretty good.

~K